butterflies everywhere :o)

we went for a lovely walk yesterday over the nature reserve, and WOW over a hundred easily of painted lady butterflies, there was also meadow blues, peacocks, red admirals, meadow browns, just an amazing site to see, ive taken a few pics hope you can see them all :o)

something cute, well 4 little cutees

i moved the chicks into the main chicken area today, they were up there with mildred but seperated, so the others had got used to them. they love it, and such funny shenanagons , we've had loads of laughs watching them today, so thought i d share them with you, so you can see how much they've already grown.

updates

id just like to thank everyone for all their love, support and kind words.

i went to see the counsillor yesterday, she is lovely, knows instantly how im feeling after explaining it all to her, from paul first collapsing, to the recent life expectancy news. we will be starting properly in august and she is going to concentrate on trying to even my emotions out so im able to handle things emotionally easierly.

o and all my mixed up feelings and emotions are perfectly normal (me being called normal ?? think thats a first LOL)

so we continue to ride the storm and take each day as it comes, setting little monthly goals to do or look forward to.

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as for poor paul, chemo restarted monday, fine till yesterday , its kicked in and he is feeling very tired, sick, headachey .......... going over to oncology outreach today to collect clexane, so will see if his dosage can be reduced slightly, its supposed to be quality of life now, last night was anything but, hed had enough big style............... wasnt good.

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as for my little chicks ill have to take another pic, their little feathers are growing so sweet :oD and we have a new polecat baby. paul has called him "Basil" LOL he is actually the grandson of barney and puff who are taking care of him with bandit.... ill have to get a pic up of him too.

struggling emotionally at the moment

im struggling a bit at the moment with my emotions being all over the place, hence not a lot of posts lately.

we received some pretty grim news last friday from kings hospital in london. paul has been given 2 - 5 years if we're lucky. pretty bleak outlook really, especially as up till monday last week we were told his cancer was treatable. its taken me a week to sort of get my head around it, but i havnt really, ive just blanked the future out at the moment, my only way of dealing with it. how do you keep someone you love positive with news like that?? he restarts a new chemo a week monday, hopefully not to many side effects like last time, the oncology nurses have told me if he wont ring if bad reaction then im too, its a matter of paul have quality of life now.

its real hard to deal with, he says, like me, waited all our lives to meet each other (we met 6 years ago) finally get married and now this. hes been asked by relations if there is anything he hasnt done that hed like to do etc. no he just wants longer to be with me, has everything else hes always wanted.

i think it makes it harder to accept at the moment because he still looks so well, he is healthy in every other way. just the bowel cancer in the liver.... just LOL ................

im going to start seeing a cancer councillor week wednesday, and see if that can help me understand it all a bit more, and help me stay strong for paul, james, mike and stevie.

i just dont know anymore , its so hard. we're taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most of it, doing things we've put off in the past, like stopping at a pub, having a meal out etc. so just keep going i guess until he makes a turn for the worse. i know its not written in stone, but we do know he wont make old age with me.

thank you for listening :o)

good grief

good grief its nearly a month since i last posted.

lots been happening here, some good some :o) not so good :o(

so the good first, meet our new additions :o) arent they just sooooooo adorable, 4 so far, 2 eggs left maybe they will , maybe they wont........ i think possibly another will but we will have to wait a little longer to see, these mostly hatched out today, had one yesterday, so might get the other two tomorrow :o) mildred as you can see is a very proud mummy indeed.

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now the not so good news, we saw the proffesor monday, and the chemo had not worked as it should have after all, and not only has it started growing again but has also damaged pauls liver now.............. and then he asked us if we wanted to have a chat about pauls life expectancy SHOCK...... is an understatement........ we didnt , so that chat will be another time. however it did put a BIG downer on us....... also a lump came up under pauls arm 2 weeks ago, we now know what it is another clot.......... this could have been avoided if the line had come out back in april, he hasnt had any treatments since then as his body needed the break, we've just had weekly trips to have it flushed and cleaned. so hes back on clexane injections too. the line at present can not yet be removed either as the clot has formed around it again.......... unbelievable really.

he was going to start a new chemo monday, but that is now on hold as we have a consultation at kings in london this friday, we went up there 2 weeks ago for a scan, so now we will see what they can do. we need to get paul in remission. we now know the cancer will return even after alternate treatment and more chemo, but we need to get to the remission stage first, then worry about it later.

so as you can see very up and down here at the moment, but we are trying to stay positive and hopefully get some answers friday.

hope everyone who reads my blog is well, i will try and catch up with other blogs soon.

few of our wedding cards

just a few pics of some of the wedding cards we received :o)

some of the hand made ones :o)

just thought youd like to see some of them, we also have a window sill full of cards, but the pic didnt come out very well.

the wedding :o)

few wedding pics, the bridesmaids,and page boy. thats stevie, katie, james, amy and emma.

as above with me :o)

paul and me signing the register

paul, me and the bridesmaids with james :o)

we had a glorious day, everyone really enjoyed themselves, many tears again lol but for happiness. everything was just wonderfull :o)

chit chat bits and bobs wedding etc.

one week to go then, then its wedding day, where has the time gone ? i think im there, just the flowers to do and i found some yesterday that will look lovely in my bouquet :o) so next friday ill be buying flowers and making into bouguets :o)

the hen night last week was very nice, and they had all clumped together to buy paul and me a night away in the bridal suit, how lovely was that, evening meal, bed and breakfast :o)
pauls stag night tonight in a lovely country pub not far from here, the numbers have increased and think he will have near on 20 going lol. just hope he can stay awake long enough and not feel to bad the next day, as he tends to get very tired lately.

mollee is settling in nicely, all fur and still such a baby, loves company and snuggles still cries (although not at night now) likes to lay on my shoulders trying to eat my hair, then slides down the front of me for more snuggles, such a cutie :o) tots loves her, at the moment mollee is laying ontop of tillee in tillee's bed, lovely sight, they play well together, both very talkative to each other (which is so funny and nice). will post more pics up soon :o)

the chooks are all happy and we are getting 5 eggs a day now, not sure why not 6 as have 6 chooks, i think two are laying alternate days, all seem well, eating loads lol and their favourite treats are corn, yogurt and cauliflower lol

wedding update

three gorgeous shawls from alice, all shimmering they are, photo does not do them justice, they are lovely :o) two deep purples and a silvery one.

two lovely baskets from hen, for the flower girls.

everything is very nearly sorted now, i just need to buy flowers to make into three bouquets, and two little possies to go into the baskets with a little teddy and butterflies. james needs new shoes, which i will be getting next weekend, paul and james shirts are washed and pressed ready.

my hen night tonight, and pauls stag night next week then its the wedding. how quick has that come round.............

nicki came and trial ran my hair do for the day, will look lovely :o) and discussed how to do the girls hairs, so they are sorted out :o)

brought some jewelery for me, i was going to wear pearls but the necklace and earrings we found are just perfect for my dress, which will be properly unvealed to you all after the wedding, cant put a pic up before incase paul sees it, as its a surprise for on the day :o)

our new fur baby

paul decided i needed a new fur baby, and brought me Mollee shes not quite 7 weeks old yet, but a real sweety, tots seems ok with her which is good :o) she is a whippet x greyhound so might get a bit tall LOL anything from 23 - 26 " at the shoulder, im hoping she takes after the whippet more and stays smaller :o)

we only had 3/4 hour with crying when we went to bed, so not too bad, and shes already molleefide me this morning climbing in my hair LOL