Friday, 3 July 2009

struggling emotionally at the moment

im struggling a bit at the moment with my emotions being all over the place, hence not a lot of posts lately.

we received some pretty grim news last friday from kings hospital in london. paul has been given 2 - 5 years if we're lucky. pretty bleak outlook really, especially as up till monday last week we were told his cancer was treatable. its taken me a week to sort of get my head around it, but i havnt really, ive just blanked the future out at the moment, my only way of dealing with it. how do you keep someone you love positive with news like that?? he restarts a new chemo a week monday, hopefully not to many side effects like last time, the oncology nurses have told me if he wont ring if bad reaction then im too, its a matter of paul have quality of life now.

its real hard to deal with, he says, like me, waited all our lives to meet each other (we met 6 years ago) finally get married and now this. hes been asked by relations if there is anything he hasnt done that hed like to do etc. no he just wants longer to be with me, has everything else hes always wanted.

i think it makes it harder to accept at the moment because he still looks so well, he is healthy in every other way. just the bowel cancer in the liver.... just LOL ................

im going to start seeing a cancer councillor week wednesday, and see if that can help me understand it all a bit more, and help me stay strong for paul, james, mike and stevie.

i just dont know anymore , its so hard. we're taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most of it, doing things we've put off in the past, like stopping at a pub, having a meal out etc. so just keep going i guess until he makes a turn for the worse. i know its not written in stone, but we do know he wont make old age with me.

thank you for listening :o)


Suzy said...

I am so sorry to hear that Paul's cancer has spread. Words are inadequate and I don't know what to say, so I can only offer many cyber {{{hugs}}} and say that I'm thinking of you all.


silversewer said...

I have already contacted you Nita so you know how we feel. I hope the councillor can help you to come to terms with the future. You know where I am if you need to talk.

Mandy said...

I just want to say honey, that is you need to vent any emotions whether that be scream cry shout or just silence you know we are all thinking of you.
Mandy xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been reading your blog for a while and have so hoped for better news.

However, don't give up. Things can change, new treatments are released and each person reacts differently, so please don't give up hope.

All the best,


mother of intention said...

((hugs)) Nita. I cannot begin to imagine what you are all going through. I wish i could offer you some help or comfort.


Fr. Peter Doodes said...

Like the rest of us I try to think of the perfect words only to realise ther are no perfect words at a time like this.

The fact that you have the courage to see the cancer councillor speaks volumes, so many cannot even come to terms with that action.

I agree with Anonymous, things are progressing medically all the time, please do not give up hope.


Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

Anita, I'm so sorry to hear your news but PLEASE don't accept defeat! Don't give up! I don't know if you have something similar in the UK but here we have the Cancer Center of America (I may have the name wrong), they do wonders where people were given an limited amount of time, people who have beat it and are living their lives! There IS always hope, keep going and my best to you and your thoughts are with you! ~ER~

nita x said...

thank you all for your kind words and words of encouragement and help. im still just taking each day as it comes, making the most of what we have, trying to stay positive, new treatments etc. its just when you have the top guys telling you this its hard to think otherwise, paul is really struggling with it all at the moment, how do i tell him he will be fine when we know he wont be, im still saying new treatments might work this time, the new drug in 3 months they are thinking of trying with him...... it could be the one ....... im hoping the councillor can help me, and help me help him, im sure she can. im not looking at any future at the moment only day to day, i just cant go there in any capacity at the moment its too hard to do.

anne thank you again, for all your love and support :o)

thank you all. xxx

Leanne said...

Nita, you know already yuo have my full support, and admiration too. and you have my phone number still? use it if you need to offload.

with love and light from Leanne x

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry


Sending you love and hugs



I Believe In Fairytales said...

words feel so inadequate Nita, keep on blogging and know you have support globally. Live your life to the fullest while you can :)

ren said...

bless you nita, you are so strong, ((((hugs)))
take care hun

MrsL said...

Thinking of you all.
Much love,